I don’t want to go

This week I got the chance to take a road trip to Vermont with my mom and my sister. Road trips are my absolute favorite. A solid road trip involves good snacks, good convos and most importantly good jams. As we made our way to Vermont, we ended up putting on all of these old songs that we used to listen to back in the day. Artists like DC Talk, Mary Mary, Jennifer Knapp and Stacie Orrico made their way through the speakers (any 90s kid growing up in the church will know these oldie but goodies). Finally, the one and only Avalon came on.

One of their famous songs titled “I Don’t Want to Go” came through the speakers and instantly, what started out as a light-hearted jam sesh turned into an intense emotional moment with the Lord; funny how He does that. (For those that thought the title of this blog meant I didn’t want to go on the race hehe GOTCHA) As soon as the song started I was immediately taken back to a moment in my childhood that marked me forever. My mom spoke up and said “Cam, remember this?” What she didn’t know was that I was already in the back seat losing my cool because yes, I remembered it like it was yesterday.

I had to have been 5 years old and we were riding home from Wednesday night church listening to Avalon. It was late and I was tired but this song came through the speakers and it shook my little toddler heart to the core. Something in the words of the song stuck a cord with my spirit and it led to this sweet moment of surrender to Jesus. Long after the rest of the family went inside to bed, me and my mom stayed in the van, played it on repeat for what seemed like hours, sat at the feet of Jesus, and worshiped to the words…

I don’t want to go somewhere

If I know that You’re not there,

‘Cause I know that me without You is a lie.

And I don’t want to walk that road,

Be a million miles from home,

Cause my heart needs to be where You are.

So I don’t want to go.

As a 5 year old, I knew. I knew that there was no place I’d rather be than right where my Father was. Now, at 23, that still rings true. As we listened to that song 18 years later, that same heart was shook to the core. And again, there was this sweet moment of surrender to Jesus. A lot has changed since that night and that little girl has grown up (in some ways) but God brought me back to a first love kinda moment; a moment where my heart became aware. I know He did that to remind me of my one desire and refocus my attention onto Him as I journey through the painful goodbyes that are quickly approaching.

As the days pass by and launch gets closer and closer, I have been struggling with the balance of feeling so much excitement but so much sadness at the same time. Because starting the race means leaving home and, well, I suck at goodbyes. But once again, God used the words of that song to comfort me. I don’t ever want to be in a place where He’s not, even if that means leaving the comfort of familiar places and faces. When my desire is to be where He is, I am home because He is my home.

So now, He is calling me a few thousand miles from my physical home. And yes, there is pain in that. But my Jesus is with me and there is no place I’d rather be than right by His side.

So come whatever,

I’ll stick with You.

I’ll walk You’ll lead me,

Call me crazy or a fool,

For forever I promise You.

 

That I don’t want to go somewhere

If I know that You’re not there,

‘Cause I know that me without You is a lie.

And I don’t want to walk that road,

Be a million miles from home,

Cause my heart needs to be where You are.

So I don’t want to go